Does That Even Count?
by whitestone1623
Summary: Takes place after 3x04. Has Kate really chosen Sawyer as her love? Not if Charlie and Hurley have anything to say about it!
1. Chapter 1

_This is the first part of a two-shot fic that just wouldn't leave me alone. It's sort of a companion piece to my other story "Interrupted" so be prepared for crazy stuff..._

* * *

_It's just another ordinary day on the beach. Hurley sits in the shade of a tree, pealing a papaya. Yippee. Charlie approaches and flops down next to him in the sand, bored out of his mind._

CHARLIE: This bites.

HURLEY: What, dude?

CHARLIE: (_waves his arms around_) This! This whole…situation we're in, this _season_ even! Jack, Kate and Sawyer are captured and we _still_ don't know why; Sayid, Jin and Sun aren't back yet; Eko's been getting better so he and Locke are already trekking through the Heart of Darkness in search of…_anybody_; which leaves me stuck here on the beach with nothing but the local prophet (_nods in Desmond's direction_) keeping me distracted. Not to demean your company, mate…

HURLEY: Dude, at least you weren't traumatized seeing said local prophet all…you know…natural…

_Charlie shudders, couldn't even imagine…_

HURLEY: Well, look at it this way, man. They've already shown four episodes so far. That leaves, like, twenty to go until the next hiatus. It won't be long before Sawyer and them escape and get back to camp. Trust me, dude, it'll be just like old times. Before you know it you're gonna see Jack and Kate walking down the beach all flirty and hand holding and-

WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh, I wouldn't count on that, guys.

_The guys turn around and see that it's the new girl, Niki. Well, new to the Management at least, she's technically suppose to have been there since Day 1, but enough with details…_

HURLEY: Count on what?

NIKI: On Jack and Kate getting together ever again.

CHARLIE: What are you talking about? Of course they'll get together! Why on earth would they not?

NIKI: You remember the Pearl Hatch? The one with all the TV monitors recording our every move? Well I went in one day and managed to get dibs on the latest episode, and in it Kate said she loves Sawyer.

HURLEY & CHARLIE: (_jump up, a leeeeettle bit shocked_) _**WHAT?!?!?!?!?!**_

HURLEY: She couldn't have said that!

CHARLIE: I'm gonna ring her bloody neck!

HURLEY: How is this, like, possible?

CHARLIE: I could totally ring her neck, too! I learned some tricks from that polar bear-

HURLEY: Dude, wait a sec! (_turns to Niki_) Was it, like, hit-your-head-with-a-mallet confirmed that she loves Sawyer or was it like, somewhat, barely, subtly hinted at?

NIKI: (_shrugs_) Picket asked her if she loves him, she said yes-

CHARLIE: Hey, think I could maul her with my teeth? The bear used that trick quite affectively-

NIKI: Of course, Picket was punching the daylights out of Sawyer when that question was asked…

_If there had been thought bubbles going out of Charlie and Hurley's heads, they would have read "Are you freakin' kidding me?!"_

HURLEY: Wait, so it was either she says she loves him, or he gets beaten to death?

CHARLIE: What a load of-

HURLEY: Dude, that shouldn't even count!

CHARLIE: They're manipulating the evidence! Using her own compassion to turn her back on her true feelings and torment the people she loves most! The bloody scum!

HURLEY: Either that or Picket's a hard-core Skater…(_suddenly brightens up_) Maybe there's still hope, then. Maybe there's a chance that Kate loves Jack after all!

CHARLIE: (_determined_) That's it, I'm going to settle this once and for all (_begins to walk off_).

HURLEY: Uh, Charlie, where are you going?

CHARLIE: I'm gonna go to them. I'm gonna march straight into the Other's camp, up to Kate's prison and demand that she tell us the truth!

HURLEY: Dude, count me in!

_They both begin marching off into the jungle when…_

NIKI: Good luck marching to the Other's camp, considering it's on a different island and all...

_The boys stop in their tracks, slowly turning around to face her with looks of question and surprise._

HURLEY: A different island?

CHARLIE: And you know this how?

NIKI: Uh, hello? The Pearl? I saw the end of the episode, too, ya know. I know where they are.

_Without warning, Charlie grabs Niki by the collar of her shirt and yanks her to him, his face in a would-be-deadly-if-it-wasn't-Charlie snarl._

CHARLIE: (_low and deadly_) _Where?_

* * *

_Duh Duh Duuuuhhhhh!_

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

_Just a couple of disclaimers before I continue with the story:_

_Firstly: No character or place in this story belongs to me, but to ABC. Somehow I forgot to mention that in Chapter 1, but I figure you all knew that anyway. _

_Secondly: This chapter contains tons of references from my first story "Interrupted," so if you haven't read that yet you probably won't find this chapter to be very funny._

_Thirdly: There are a couple of things here that were inspired by certain forum posts I've read a while back, so I can't really take credit for them. I'll explain more at the end._

* * *

_Back at the Hydra, Kate glumly sits in a corner of her cage, arms folded and knees drawn up to her chin. Things could not possibly get any worse for her. In contrast, just on the other side of the path in his own cage, Sawyer could not possibly get any happier. Or more annoying. Or more off key._

SAWYER: (_badly singing_) You think I'm gooooorgeous, you want to kiiiiiiiiiss me, you said you looooooove me-

KATE: Sawyer, if you sing that song one more time I'm going to climb out of this cage, find the biggest rock I can carry, and make you swallow it.

SAWYER: Now now, Freckles. I wouldn't be on cloud nine and feelin' like singin' if it weren' for you and your… (_sighs blissfully_) sweet little whisperin's in my ear.

KATE: I'm surprised you heard them after getting punched in the face so many times.

SAWYER: Well if that what it took to make you say you looooove me, and want to huuuuuuug me, and want to- OW!!!

_As good of aim as Kate just had with that rock, she's still annoyed that it missed his mouth._

KATE: Ugh, you are such a pain…

SAWYER: (_smugly_) Well if I'm so hard to be 'round, then why don't you leave me?

KATE: Because you told me I should leave **if I love you.**

SAWYER: Ah, but for all I know you love me so much that you can't stand the thought of me all by my lonesome.

KATE: Stop manipulating the evidence, why don't ya?!

SAWYER: Huh?

KATE: Never mind.

_Kate resumes her glum position, even plans to stay that way for the rest of the day when she hears noises coming from the jungle…_

HURLEY: Dude…slow down…swim was…bad enough…

CHARLIE: Oh, quit your whining, Hurl! I had to drag _you_ most of the way.

HURLEY: Charlie…it's like you're on…sugar high…with steroids-

CHARLIE: Hey, there they are! OY, KATE! We need to talk to you!

_Kate and Sawyer look over to see Charlie and Hurley emerge from the jungle and onto the path. They're both soaking wet._

KATE: Charlie? Hurley? What are you doing here?

SAWYER: And howja even cross the ocean to get here in the first place-

CHARLIE: Don't try and change the subject, you heart-stealing parasitic cad!

KATE: Change the subject…?

SAWYER: Para-what? Da hell you just call me?!

CHARLIE: (_ignoring Sawyer_) Kate, do you love Sawyer?

KATE: (_dumbfounded_) What?

CHARLIE: **Do you love him?**

KATE: (_covers her face in her hands_) Oh Lord, not this again…

HURLEY: Kate, we don't mean to pressure you or nothin', but there was a rumor going on that you, uh…love Sawyer.

SAWYER: Well call the papers, Newsboys, 'cause she does-

KATE: **NOT!** I mean, yes I **said **I loved him, but Picket would have killed him if I didn't say it.

CHARLIE: And what about Jack? You don't think **this** would kill **him**? Kate, we've seen the chemistry between you two since Day 1 on this island. Well not **this** island, but the **other** island, the-the one we crashed… **don't try and change the subject!**

_Kate's thought bubble: WTF?_

CHARLIE: Remember the good old days? The golf lessons? The guava seeds? The verbal copulation? **Kate, when was the last time you two verbally copulated?!?!**

HURLEY: Dude, did NOT wanna know about that…

CHARLIE: (_ignores Hurley_) I mean, did those moments-

_Charlie is suddenly interrupted by a loud siren. Kate and Sawyer, having heard that siren before, looks behind Charlie and Hurley to see a group of Others escort Jack along the path. His head is covered by the hood._

_Charlie is so frustrated by his motivational speech being interrupted that he doesn't even look behind him._

CHARLIE: (_raises his head and yells_) HEY, I'M NOT FINISHED TALKING YET!!!

_The siren is suddenly cut off. Even Jack and the Others stop walking out of surprise at Charlie's outburst._

CHARLIE: Thank you. (_turns back to Kate_) Kate, did those moments with Jack mean nothing to you? Do you know how he's going to react when he finds out that you, from your own mouth, said that you love Sawyer?

JACK: **WHHAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!**

HURLEY: I think she knows now…

_Jack tears his hood off and sprints up to Kate's cage._

JACK: Kate, please tell me it isn't true! Tell me you didn't say you love (_dramatically points_) **him!**

KATE: Well, uh, I **said **I did…

JACK: (_about to cry_) B-but, but after all our time together, the moments we shared! We even played golf together, Kate! **We played golf!**

_Everyone else's thought bubbles: WTF?_

KATE: Jack, let me explain-

JACK: How could you do this to me, Kate? After everything I've said, after all the things I've gone through-

SAWYER: YOU'VE gone through?!

JACK: -to confess my deepest most personal feelings of love and adoration for you-

SAWYER: Now wait just one damn minute! If I recall correctly the biggest hurt **you** received from your "confession" is a little bitty dart to put you to sleep! **I **was the one who got a dozen dang coconuts to my head by Lardo's imaginary friend!

HURLEY: Hey! NOT my fault, dude!

KATE: And technically, Jack, you've never actually confessed your love to me.

_Jack suddenly becomes quiet with a dumbfounded expression on his face. A look of terror begins to cross the faces of Sawyer, Hurley and Charlie as they witness the scene before them; they realize what's coming._

JACK: I haven't?

KATE: Well not to **me**, at least. I mean you shouted it to all the **other** survivors, but-

JACK: So is that it, then? You won't be with me because I haven't said it before?

KATE: That's not what I-

JACK: Because I will if I have to. If that's what it takes for you to be mine then I'll say it right here and now!

_Charlie, Hurley and Sawyer duck for cover faster than you can drop a mango._

JACK: Kate Austin, I love-

EVERYBODY ELSE AT THE CAMP: **NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!**

_Within moments, every single Other on the island dog-piles Jack to the ground. Kate, Charlie and Hurley stare in horror as the Others attempt to restrain a much-obsessed Jack. Sawyer can't help but snicker from his cage._

BEN: Did he say-

JULIET: I don't think so-

TOM: Quick! Shut him up before he brings more trouble!

JACK: Never! I won't give in! You can't keep us apart!

BEN: We have to keep you two apart, Jack, for all our sakes. Why do you think we separated you in the first place?

HURLEY: Uh, because you were trying to hook up Kate with Sawyer instead?

_The fight suddenly stops and everyone stares at Hurley._

HURLEY: Dude, I was just guessing…

TOM: (_whispers loudly_) He knows our secret! What are we-

BEA: (_slaps her hand to Tom's mouth_) Tom, shut up!

CHARLIE: (_slowly dawns on him_) Wait a second. You lunatics really ARE Skaters?!

JULIET: **Heck yeah we are!**

BEN: (_pushes Juliet aside_) Not out of preference but necessity. Jack brings harm to everyone around him whenever he tries to confess his love to Kate. Imagine the horror it would bring should Kate actually accept that love.

JACK: So **that's** why you've kept me away from her!

KATE: And why you've kept me around **him**! (_points to Sawyer_)

BEN: Yes. We originally planned to let your affections for him grow gradually over a period of time, but… **one of us** decided to speed up the process a bit.

PICKET: What? It's Jack's own fault, you know! He couldn't save my wife, I wasn't about to let HIM get the girl!

SAWYER: You beat me to a bloody mess just so Jack wouldn't get Freckles?

KATE: You son of a-

SAWYER: Hey thanks, man!

PICKET: Anytime!

JACK: Why you little-

_And out of nowhere a rock comes flying and smacks him in the noggin..._

JACK: (_woozy_) Ooo...goldfishies...

_...and he's out like a light. The Others begin to carry Jack's unconscious body back in the direction of his cell._

CHARLIE: Hey! You lot can't just take him! He-

_Bonk! Thud! Two more rock land hard on Charlie and Hurley's heads._

HURLEY: Woah... pinata...

CHARLIE: Ah dun nuh haf uv yu haf as wel as ah shud like...

_They both collapse onto the ground in a heap._

SAWYER: Dang, Freckles! That's some aim you got.

KATE: (_confused_) That wasn't me...

* * *

_Somewhere up in the trees, a dark mysterious figure holds a sling shot in one hand and a walkie talkie in the other._

JEFF: Jake, this is Jeff. The threat's been diverted.

* * *

_And there you have it, folks, another Jate moment unjustly twarted by the powers that be. It's not that Jate doesn't do it for me anymore, but after hearing rumors about the episode coming up I guess I sunk into an irritable anti-triangle-in-general mood as I wrote this chapter._

_And Jack's reference about golf and the idea of the Others being Skaters were inspire by posts I've read at lost-forum. Can't seem to find the "we played golf" thing anymore, though, so I still don't know who thought of it. If you are the one and are reading this right now, I commend you my friend. You truly are a geneous._

_Please r&r. And Kudos to anybody who knows where Charlie's last line came from..._


End file.
